In principle we probably all agree that reconciliation is a good thing which we must strive toward, but perhaps we are not quite convinced that it is a must. After all, doesn’t Paul appeal to Philemon in Philemon 1:8 and Philemon 1:9 instead of commanding him? Surely that shows us that he realizes there are certain situations where you simply cannot forgive? When you have been cheated on by your spouse, for example. Someone you trusted and with whom you built a life together suddenly makes everything undone. Or what about growing up in a home where a family member abused you? Each of us, I am sure, have our own painful experiences we would rather forget or people we would rather not see. Those are circumstances where reconciliation seems impossible. In such circumstances reconciliation is an ideal to aim for, but not a must.

Without repentance reconciliation cannot occur and so it is true that there may well be some conflicts between Christians and unbelievers which are never dissolved. But when it comes to relationships in God’s church, that should never be the case. Christian believers must be reconciled. It is our Christian duty, there is not another option.

This duty is made clear in some of the details we see in the beginning and ending of Paul’s letter. Firstly there is the fact that this letter was written by Paul together with Timothy. That is to say, there are two office-bearers in conversation with Philemon. Then we have the comment in Philemon 1:22 that Paul himself will be coming for a visit. If he should be released, he is going to check up and make sure that Philemon has done the right thing. The greetings from Epaphras, Mark, Aristarchus, Demas, and Luke also confirm that lots of Christian believers will be watching to see how Philemon reacts. The same with the comment in Colossians 4:9. It will be very awkward when that letter is read out in church and Philemon has refused to be reconciled. He actually has no other option. Either he forgives Onesimus and receives him into his home, or he has to turn his back on Jesus Christ and his church.

For Christian believers reconciliation is a must and not an option. We must repent when we have sinned. We must forgive where we have been sinned against. Practically, this does not necessarily mean that we are obligated to have the same depth of fellowship with every church member. Naturally there will always be some people we get along with better than others. But what it does mean is that if and when there is sin—when we hurt someone or they hurt us—then we must be reconciled. We must come to a point where we can worship together. We do not have the option to pack our bags and go elsewhere.

Perhaps there is nowhere that this principle is more clearly seen than in a marriage between two Christian believers. In our society, when there are problems between husband and wife, the duty to reconcile and forgive is easily relegated to the level of ideal. That thinking has influenced the church as well and so you have many situations today where two Christians will divorce rather than reconcile. If both parties in a marriage are Christian, they must reconcile. They must repent where there is sin, they must forgive where there has been repentance. If one or both refuse to do so, they are rejecting the command of Christ and hardening their hearts against him.

Reconciliation is a command of Christ and a duty of Christian love. Why do forgiven people forgive? They have been shown grace by God and they want to please and honour God’s commands.

Even so, it remains a challenge for everyone one of us throughout our lives. Our sinful nature likes to bear grudges and bring up details from the past. Our pride encourages us to remain bitter when we are affronted. Where then will we find the strength to forgive and show grace in response to sin? Only in him who was gracious toward us. When we meet our Lord in worship week after week and hear about what he has done for us in Christ, we are motivated and encouraged to be reconciled to others. When we see the sacraments with our eyes—what Christ did for us on the cross, how his body was broken and his blood was spilled—then the Holy Spirit will change us to be more and more like Christ. He uses these means, Word and sacrament, to reshape our hearts so that we will be more and more willing to suffer loss for the sake of someone else.

By God’s grace we can confidently assume that that is exactly what happened with Philemon. We have this letter from Paul because he shared it with the church in Colossae, and they in turn sent it elsewhere. What an encouragement it must have been for those believers: a master forgiving his runaway slave instead of punishing him. What a witness to his family—his wife Apphia and son Archippus—seeing him behave in ways that were unheard of at the time. What a witness to the world: slave and master seated together, both singing God’s praise.